Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
im all 3
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?