“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.