please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
jesus christ confetti not now
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I cannot stop laughing at this
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar