The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.