15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
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Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.