-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
You Might Also Like
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Siri, fight Alexa.