Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Danger is very dangerous
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.