Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Weirdly Wednesday.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.