Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
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I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
The photographer’s assistant
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes