My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Swedish for common sense.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.