HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident