Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
This why you should mind your business
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.