A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)