*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
No. YOU-buprofen.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings