When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
asked my bf how work was today
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.