three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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Air conditioning – not a fan
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair