I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
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Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good