Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]