damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
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The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?