It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!