[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
some Old Testament wisdom
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.