[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
japanese corn
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie