I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
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I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!