I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
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Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
🤭😂
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]