I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine