*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
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Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
How to find Kentucky on a map
Oh, I bet you would be
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.