I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Going to church you guys need anything
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Omg 🤣
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please