[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.