ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.