His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
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me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
What if the weather talks about us?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Simple enough.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas