I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.