We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
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The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.