You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Saturday
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald