When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Feels like the fourth month in January
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.