this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.