just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
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*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.