Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
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If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My life in a nutshell
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder