kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
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When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
me: my friends:
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
me adding lol on a serious message
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.