You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
You Might Also Like
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”