I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?