“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.