i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
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Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*