[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.