I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners