Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
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Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
A fake ID that makes you younger
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?