“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!