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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis