First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
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Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and