*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
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Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“I wouldn’t.”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.