No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.